This is me

Posted on 12 March 2025 by Pippa McClounan

A beautiful poem from 14 year old Molly

I can’t get it right.

Never right, always wrong.

“You must talk about your feelings, don’t bottle them up inside”

“No! Stop, we don’t want to hear it. It’s too much now”

Silence.

THIS IS ME

 

I’m stuck in my own head, so confused.

Lost!

My brain tells me so many different things I don’t know what to believe.

My thoughts go round and round in my head. They’re so loud they hurt my brain.

“Just focus” they say.

Like I have a choice.

I don’t mean to forget things and look like I’m not interested.

It’s hard to explain because I don’t understand it myself.

So confused I just run. Run to nowhere because I have nowhere to go.

THIS IS ME

 

I sit in a room so quiet yet so unbearably loud.

Pens clicking, feet tapping, pages turning.

How can everybody else focus but not me.

I check the time. How has it only been 3 minutes when it feels like I’ve been sat here for hours.

I can feel it in my stomach.

Here we go again

Why wont they just stop? One tic after another

How am I going to focus now?

THIS IS ME

 

Every day, every single day, every second of every day.

No focus, no concentration.

Two sides of my brain fighting. Fighting against each other. Which will win the fight today?

I’m not being difficult I just need space.

I’m tired. Tired of fighting every day.

Fighting to get out of bed.

Fighting to have a shower.

Fighting to brush my teeth.

Lazy! You call me lazy. I’m too tired to be lazy.

THIS IS ME

 

I wish my brain would stop. Be quiet, just for a minute.

The constant thoughts and feelings.

The ones I should talk about but shouldn’t.

They say my thoughts upset you.

Well guess what? They upset me too.

I’ve asked for help for so long.

Why won’t anybody help me?

THIS IS ME

 

“Dramatic! Calm down! Stop being rude!”

You think I want to be like this? You think I have a choice?

My brain doesn’t give me one. It does it by itself controlling me.

Making me say and do things I don’t want to do.

THIS IS ME

 

Shouting, screaming, blinking, moving. Constantly moving.

The words just come out. I didn’t give them permission but they don’t listen.

Tic, tic, tic. They never go, they never stop.

I wish I could switch them off.

They take over me, they control me.

People stare. Looks of disgust.

They don’t understand. I don’t understand

THIS IS ME

 

My legs won’t go where I want them too.

I don’t know why it happens but it does.

I stand still. I’m going to fall.

“Just get up” they say.

Walking. STOP!

I’m frozen to the spot

I’m stuck again. I hate being like this.

Make it go away.

Hands lock, legs lock.

Why isn’t there a key to just unlock me?

THIS IS ME

 

Ow it hurts! My clothes hurt!

It feels like they’re burning my skin.

They make me itch. Every seam I can feel.

I want to take my shoes off.

My feet need to be free,

I want to be free.

Too tight, too bright, too loud too quiet.

I need things just right or I’ll explode.

The silence. I don’t like it.

Nothing makes sense.

Make it stop.

THIS IS ME

 

Promises always broken never kept.

I believed every word you said.

“We’ll do this for you”

“We can help you”

“Sorry we forgot”

Those promises were made to be broken.

THIS IS ME

 

Rejection sensitivity. It’s real and not in my head.

It just hurts me more than other people. More than you’ll ever know.

My neurodiverse brain makes my emotions bigger, stronger. Anger, fear, frustration.

I lash out, I scream and cry.

Why was I even angry? What set me off? I don’t even know.

THIS IS ME

 

Always feeling alone.

Friends don’t stick around for long.

It’s one disappointment after another but you still want me to smile.

I put on a happy face so you won’t know how I’m really feeling.

You can’t see it but inside I’m all shaken up like a bottle of coke ready to explode.

THIS IS ME 

 

I am clever, I am strong.

I am funny and smart. I hide behind my laughter like a shield.

I will not be broken by others and the way they act toward me.

I’m here to stay and won’t be thrown away like a piece of rubbish just to make life easier for you.

THIS IS ME

 

I am a fighter. From the moment I was born I had to fight to survive.

They said I wouldn’t make it but I did.

I had to prove them wrong. I’ll prove you all wrong too.

THIS IS ME

 

I wish my brain worked like yours.

I wish I was neurotypical, but I’m not.

I am neurodiverse and THIS IS ME!

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