Unconditional acceptance of yourself

Posted Mon 5th Aug 2024 at 09:43
by Manisha Manoharan

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'I identify myself as an unconventionally successful woman of resilience, authenticity, and versatility. I am also a passionate self-love advocate and neurodiversity champion'.

*Content warning – this post discusses suicidal feelings*

Every time I tell someone I have Tourette Syndrome, I am met with an element of sympathy and asked how I can live a life with a painful condition like that.

The answer is quite simple. I live a life with Tourette’s just the way you live yours without Tourette’s. Yes, I have a few challenges that come with it but what if I told you, that this condition that I believed to be a generational curse was the biggest blessing in my life?

Read on to find out how.

My name is Manisha and I identify myself as an unconventionally successful woman of resilience, authenticity, and versatility. I am also a passionate self-love advocate and neurodiversity champion. A seasoned public speaker, an uncontrollable laughter riot, an ardent foodie, and a giver of warm hugs who wears her heart on her sleeve. I live a fulfilling life of gratitude and continuous learning and strive to be an embodiment of love to the people in my life.

More importantly, I live with Tourette syndrome.

Tourette’s is a neurological condition characterized by repetitive, involuntary movements and vocalizations called tics which started when I was around six or seven years of age.

There are different types of tics that I experience, viz: vocal tics such as grunting, coughing, sniffing, sighing; simple motor tics like rapid eye blinking, winking; and complex motor tics such as head jerking, neck twisting, shoulder shrugging, and abdominal wall jerking.

And, no, I do not uncontrollably swear obscenities at people like how mainstream media would have had you believe because not everyone with Tourette’s swears uncontrollably, at least without due cause! Statistical data confirms that only 1 in 10 people with Tourette’s have this condition of uncontrollable swearing called coprolalia.

The biggest downside to Tourette’s is the constant feeling of pain it leaves you with in your body. And, for the longest time, I tried to off myself so I could just stop feeling the pain caused by this debilitating condition. 

My perception of Tourette’s shifted tremendously a couple of years ago when I realised that it was my greatest teacher rather than the heartless foe that I had imagined it to be. Because, like what the Greek tragedian, Aeschylus once said, “Learning comes through pain”, and every tic that caused me pain taught me something that no academic institution could – some of the most priceless life lessons that were instrumental in bringing monumental shifts within me and making me the woman that I am today.

Grab a warm cuppa, cosy into your reading nook and travel with me as I introduce you to the 5 invaluable life lessons, I have learnt through the pain Tourette’s gifted me with:

1. Unconditional acceptance of yourself

For the longest time, I was my biggest nemesis. I lived in self-loathing and shame because of my shortcomings and failures in life, always wanting to be like someone else – anyone else who was not me! And when my tics intensified as I got older, I drowned further in my mind’s bogs so much so that I wanted to get away from my Tourette’s with all my might. Let’s just say, I eloped to kiss death momentarily at the altar and got cold feet after.

When I came to my senses, I realised that there was something annoyingly unique about Tourette’s -that it was persistent and relentless, and would not leave you alone, no matter how hard you try to push it away. I had no choice but to eventually learn to accept it as part of my life. It was not easy but with patience and compassion, it was definitely doable.

Then came the most empowering part – the more I channelled kindness and compassion into accepting my Tourette’s without hating it, the more I began to accept other parts of me that had never seen the light of day. With every tic I had, I healed a little bit more till I was able to accept and embrace myself completely and unconditionally.

I am not saying you need to love your Tourette’s to give yourself unconditional acceptance. I do not love my Tourette’s, but I can co-exist with it without feeling hatred, anger, guilt, or shame.

Tourette’s or not, I believe the same applies to every other part of you that you are struggling to embrace. Begin by accepting it and learning to amicably co-exist with it. Someday, you may even learn to love those parts of you too.

From living in a state of self-pity and victim mindset, I can now proudly say I am a mind warrior and the greatest love of my life, thanks to my Tourette’s. it has taught me patience, kindness, compassion, and unconditional acceptance of myself.

2. Forgiveness and letting go of what you cannot change or control

With unconditional acceptance, I was able to understand that I was complete as a person in all my strengths, weaknesses, perfections, and flaws.

Every time I had a painful loop of tics since then, I learned to forgive my brain and body for acting out. I wasn’t going to accomplish anything good by holding onto anger towards myself now, would I? It was not easy at first but as my self-acceptance grew, I found more strength to forgive myself and let go of trying to control or cure my tics.

That in turn calmed me down and helped me managed my tics and made me more peaceful within and because of that I learned how to extend the same forgiveness and compassion unto others. I had carried decades of vengeful anger on a few people which I was eventually able to let go of by accepting them for who they were, forgiving them in the process and letting go of the hurt they caused me. That helped me take my power back from them for good!

3. Choosing the right people to surround yourself with

I would strongly argue that having Tourette’s has saved me from some of the most toxic, unfair relationships I have had in my life. Let me tell you how: I rescued myself from a toxic marriage that had no room nor acceptance of my Tourette’s and rather branded me as being mentally unstable for having a body that had tics. From trusted best friends to life coaches, I have had people take my trust and shatter it into pieces by demoralising and humiliating me for having Tourette’s. I have had workplaces treat me like a weirdo because of my tics.

But you know who always stood by me, reminding me to keep moving on? My Tourette’s. It showed me that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was just different. Every tic urged me to stand up for myself even if it meant standing alone, for my sanity and wellbeing. And I did just that.

Today, my tics indicate to me the kind of people I vibe with and can feel safe with, thereby, helping me handpick the right people to surround myself with. Every tic is an intuitive message my body gives me to signal if a person or situation is right for me or not. And I listen carefully through the pain.

4. Authentic expression of your feelings and yourself

My tics don’t mask themselves. They are unapologetically and unabashedly obvious, expressing themselves whenever I am tired, stressed, anxious, day dreaming, excited, or processing my thoughts at godspeed.

If one part of me could live so freely, unbothered by what people thought of it, then why not the entirety of me? That was my inspiration, my Tourette’s, which taught me that no matter what, it is important to express yourself in the most authentic way possible.

From professing my love to the men I’ve fallen in love with, to calling a colleague out on their unacceptable behaviour, to speaking up for those who cannot do so for themselves, I have learned to be unapologetically and unabashedly authentic in all that I do. Because that is way easier than trying to be someone else. No, I wouldn’t be anyone else other than myself!

5. Living in the present moment

It is amazing how my Tourette’s forced me to learn one of the hardest yet one of the most important lessons of my life.

I began practising grounding exercises to calm my tics and save myself from the excruciating pain they would cause, and occasionally immersed myself in some art, yoga, poetry, and meditation. What began as a desperate attempt to calm my tics became a beautiful journey within myself that helped me attune all my senses to the task I was performing.

My mind began racing less often, and my focus improved. I learned to be more present in my body, paying attention to the things around me each moment. I felt as though I had slowed down, and consequently, my tics also calmed down.

A few such moments turned into longer periods of time until that became my way of life most of the time. My Tourette’s taught me to live in the present moment and that was the best thing that happened to me because I now marvel at the little things each moment and it fills me with overflowing joy and am no longer tied down by the shackles of the past nor any worry for the future. This in turn enhanced my happiness and the zest for life.

Right here, right now, in this present moment is where I am meant to be. Living in the present moment has enabled me to be fully present in everything I do, every interaction I have, and has taught me to breathe more freely. It has amplified my empathy, gratitude, and love for people and places.

Having Tourette’s is indeed painful, but it was through all the pain that I have learned so much about myself and about life. It has made me resilient and have faith in myself. It has taught me to engage with people and with myself in kindness, humanity, and empathy.

I never thought I would ever say this, but my Tourette syndrome has made me a better human being and I am grateful for that. So yes, my life is good, if you must know. I have challenges that are unique to me and like most people on this planet, I struggle with a few of them and tide through the rest.

As for you, take what resonates with you and leave the rest. But please do not sympathise with me or the likes of me. My disability is not fuel for your gossip. Instead, I would implore you to engage with empathy, with everyone and I hope you find the light that you are seeking for, within yourself, to learn to accept, forgive, and express yourself unapologetically. I hope you make better choices in life and live each moment to the fullest. Sending you love and light.

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