Trust that sixth sense mama, it's always right

Posted Tue 17th Mar 2020 at 12:34
by Cassandra Fradley

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We wanted to share this lovely blog which written by Cassandra Fradley for hi-mama.co.uk - a digital library of letters written by mothers to themselves.

Thank you Cassandra for giving us permission to reproduce your letter here.

Hi mama,

You were right. As you always are when it comes to your babies. A sixth sense was born within you when you became a mama, you can sense when there’s an illness coming, a nightly wake up, what your children are really saying when it’s unclear to everyone else... and when something just isn’t ‘quite right'.

You’ve watched this little boy appear and grow and take up most of the room in your heart, and you’ve always known there was just something about him. Something which sets him apart. Something which makes him special. Something which makes him different. You’ve then welcomed a little girl and it just makes his differences so much more glaringly obvious – but only to you mama. Trust in that sixth sense, it will always be right.

You’ve even wondered out loud to family, friends and even your husband but no one sees what you see, no one knows what you know. It isn’t until your best boy starts school and his teachers see something too you realise you need to believe in yourself – even though the school see something it’s still missed for a while. “I’ve noticed Jacob does some odd things with his eyes, I’m not sure if he’s squinting. Have you had his eyes tested?" “Jacob please go and blow your nose!” “Jacob’s wrist strength doesn’t seem to be where it should be and his writing is poor." “Jacob has such excellent ideas; he just really struggles getting them on paper and never finishes a piece of work." You hear these things and you see these things and at first you wonder if it’s you? You wonder what could possibly be going on with your clever little boy. The boy who is so bright you wondered how he could possibly be yours! The boy who could have a full conversation at 20 months, the boy who knew the alphabet at 2, the boy who identified difficult shapes before he was 3, the boy who knew every single dinosaur before he was 4. All of a sudden, his teachers were making you doubt his ability because he had awful handwriting, couldn’t finish his work and squinted a lot?

It isn’t until you go on holiday as a family and spend an entire week together that your husband will see it too, he will agree with you that our son is ticking. And that it is constant. He will agree that you should make a doctor’s appointment, he will look at the research you have been looking at for years and he will listen to you. He will listen. And then the doctor will listen. And the school will listen, and the behaviour specialist will listen, another doctor will listen, your friends will listen and finally a neurologist will listen. You will take videos for evidence, you will log behaviour changes, you will back up research that your son has multiple vocal and motor tics as well as obsessive behavioural traits and rage attacks and certain sensory issues. The neurologist will hear you; what’s more, he will agree with you and he will diagnose your beautiful boy with Tourette Syndrome.

You will leave that doctors office and you will cry. You will cry tears of relief, of grief, of finally being heard, or being right, of worrying what the future will bring. You will cry mainly because you know you love your son more than anything and you will fight his corner for the rest of your days. You, and your husband, will become his biggest advocate and his voice – you will learn about the condition with a wonderful charity called Tourette’s Action, you will explain all you can to the school, to your friends, your family, to anyone who will listen!

Eight months after the diagnosis you will have done three fundraising events for the charity, your husband will currently be fundraising for a fourth (the London Landmarks half marathon), you will have a happy and content son who is completely comfortable with his Tourette Syndrome, you will have an understanding daughter and you will feel the most confident you have ever felt since becoming a mama.

Trust that sixth sense mama, it’s always right.

Love you,

Cassandra x

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